If you are reading this, it means you are now a hugely successful artist, and your father and I are both dead. Our lawyer has sent this letter upon our passing.
It’s time we come clean about your “unusual” upbringing, Cookie.
Why did we smother you with our manic attention, insisting you perform endless sock-puppet shows about our entire family dying in an airplane crash? Then we’d galavant for weeks by ourselves, in the Swiss Alps, and Svetlana, your sexually attractive Russian nanny, would tell us on the phone, “Cookie cries so much. Cookie misses you.” …
What in the fresh hell is all this stoic book shit that my ex-wife Sharon left on the coffee table? Let me take a look…
Put from you the belief that ‘I have been wronged’, and with it will go the feeling. Reject your sense of injury, and the injury itself disappears. — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Are you a complete moron, Marcus? When that PBR-swillin’ joker tangled with me at Dave’s tailgate last week, and that cockswain sucker-punched me in the jaw after I barely provoked him, you want me to say, “Hey, thanks, my jaw feels great. We’re all…
Sunday Morning: Today I will pre-plan a week’s worth of healthy, low-carb dinners. I declare this a clean-eating sanity week dedicated to the sumptuous salads of Spain and Italy!
Monday Night: What’s for dinner? I have no clue. I could make a bacon sandwich, I guess. Is there a pizza lying around? I’m ill-prepared and adrift and kind of leaning toward a big bowl of peanut butter drenched in Nutella and six-hundred raisins.
September, 2009: I will express my undying love for philosophy by earning a doctorate, teaching for the rest of my life at a small liberal arts college…
Hey fellow Writing Wizards! Joining the Wizard’s Write A Novel in A Week Challenge was freakin’ exhilarating. What a kick in the creative pants! I’m so glad I met you all here in the forums. Did anyone think this challenge was REALLY HARD? Ha ha!
But I’m delighted to say I 100% finished writing an entire 350-page novel! One thing: My novel SUCKS.
I know that, as writers, we’re self-critical and we tend to “hate on” our work. I don’t think this is that. I think my book is just a pile of pure shit. It doesn’t have a discernible…
They call him Hot Bobby because he’s the bee’s knees. An impressive five-foot-nine, always rockin’ his signature blue leather jacket, mid-neck-length fashion mullet that’s dyed black as the night. Hot Bobby keeps himself in a certain shape, and he expects the same from his dates and, should they be so lucky, his girlfriends. He can bang out 30 stone-cold push-ups, and he’s only 14% body fat. Yeah!
As you can imagine, Hot Bobby has standards. And a code.
No scrubs or ugs or duds or trolls or bores or snores allowed! Only hotties. A Hot Bobbie 10 is a grown-ass…
In the sequel, the explosions will be bigger, louder, and 35% more explodier.
There will be closer close-ups of Gal Gadot’s face. Especially when she quietly stares at a picture of her fiancé who died in the first alien war.
The aliens will be way scarier, and the CGI of their teeth alone will cost more than the first movie.
The sex appeal will be much greater. Instead of dating a 29-year-old, Robert Downey Jr’s character will date two 24-year-olds.
The head alien from the first movie, Lord Thorax, will have transformed into something even more vile and terrifying: Lord…
Writers love a challenge, and your publication can use this fact of human psychology to its advantage. Compare:
“Our wonderful Medium publication, Candy Land, accepts stories about chocolate, gumdrops, and Swedish Fish, and we hope you’ll submit a story someday! We’ll always be here, so see you whenever, candy heads!”
“We are holding a competition to see who can write the best story about candy. There are special prizes and renowned guest judges who will read your work. But the competition only lasts 30 days, and time is running out. GO!”
Which creates more urgency and excitement? …
Your Medium story delighted me! But I do not clap.
You gave me “Five Ways To Listen Better In Relationships.” I liked all of them! But I do not clap.
You explained, “How Cryptocurrency Will Change Everything.” Never heard of it before. Learned a lot! No claps from me.
You revealed, “What Having A Spicy Extramarital Affair Taught Me About Love.” Remarkably insightful and touching. Here are zero claps for that.
I read your entire Medium story, top to bottom, and it certainly held my attention and gave me lots of to think about.
Should I clap? No! I mustn’t…
Listen up, aspiring entrepreneur! The Infinite Cash Online Summit is NOT for everyone.
This summit is NOT for the overwhelming majority of “wannabe” entrepreneurs and do-nothing thumb-suckers.
Infinite Cash is THE summit where you learn to SELL ANYTHING TO ANYONE, ONLINE, using just a simple laptop and a loyal team of Romanian coders who work for ROMANIAN PENNIES.
Infinite Cash is for the grinders, the strivers, the early-risers, and the HARDCORE HUSTLERS who have grit, drive, vision, and chops OOZING OUT OF THEIR EYE-SOCKETS.
Infinite Cash is ONLY for the 0.0001% TOP DOGS who want to eat, breathe, sleep, and…
Slackjaw is Medium’s most-read humor publication — with more than 135,000 followers — and we want your funny writing! We also want to support humor writers, and aspiring writers, everywhere.
Pioneered in 2019, The Slackjaw Challenge is back for our third consecutive year, in April 2021.
Challenges need awesome prizes, and we’ve got a $1,000 grand prize, plus cool bonuses and runner-up prizes (see below!), and the chance to get your work in front of our amazing guest judging panel: Emma Allen (humor editor, The New Yorker), Scott Dikkers (founder, TheOnion.com), and Jen Spyra (The Late Show with Stephen Colbert).